"I Said... Whoops Upside Jo Head..."

*sigh*

So I�ve been neglecting my journal, again.

I guess... we can start off by saying that I�ve had incredibly waaaaay too much to drink in the past week and a half... from the period beginning before my 10am class a week ago Friday morning up �til Saturday night... I drank the following...

• 37 bottles of Mike�s Hard Lemonade

• 17 Bottles of Beer

• 2 Wine Coolers

• 1/2 a Liter bottle of wine

• 1/3 bottle of Apple Pucker

• 3 8-ounce glasses of assorted champagnes

• and the worst achievement of all... 3/4 of a 750 mL bottle of Absolut Mandarin

*sigh*

I drank before classes two days... drank a couple beers before a therapy session... was so drunk one night that I don�t remember falling and cutting my lip or getting a bruise across the entire right side of my body... sent 3 totally drunken e-mails I don�t remember sending... missed an 8:40, 10:10 and 11:40 class because I was still too drunk to attend... drunk dialed a lot of people I don�t recall, including a manager at work in Florida... and... finally... created a very complicated situation with an ex-boyfriend.

*sigh*

I know that I�ve been totally out of control this past week...

To those of you reading my away messages, I know that about 9 of every 10 messages in the past 10 days has either involved me out drinking or recovering from alcohol...

I�ve been a mess.

And while I�ve had a lot of really rough shit in all aspects of my life, lately... I know that it�s no excuse. I�ve never been one to deny a problem or to push off responsibility onto anything else... especially when I am the only one to blame.

Sure... it would be easy to blame my father for making my life miserable... or Marriott for fucking up my job for the summer... or my mother for being a total bitch... or my professors for pushing a lot of work on me... or boys for making my life complicated...

But... I know there are a lot of other ways to deal with the issues. There�s therapy, friends, work, talking, reading, sleeping, eating... a host of other ways...

But... the last couple weeks... I have been so overwhelmed that I chose alcohol.

While I don�t regret my decisions... I do know that the ones recently have been unhealthy and self-destructive.

I wish I could explain to all of you why I�ve been like this... or what I�m going through... or what I�m thinking in my head... or what I�m feeling in my heart...

But... one thing that my friend Courtney pointed out to me is that I�m not like that.

I mean... sure... all of you come to my page and read about my issues and hear my stories... but... that�s all they are to me... stories.

I have this tendency to internalize everything. And, until I�ve dealt with all of the issues and feelings associated with a particular situation, I don�t really speak of it.

And then, once I have made a story out of it... I find a way to make it humorous... I guess that�s just how I deal. I take out a lot of the emotions and feelings. I think I do it so that I can talk about it to death... but I don�t really *feel* it.

*sigh*

This week has really been filled with a lot of thought and introspection. I�ve had a lot of people talk to me about my drinking and some of the issues I�ve been going through... and I know that I have a lot to work on... and I am.

I�ve been through a lot... especially this semester. My family has stolen money from me... I�ve been screwed over by a lot of people whom I care deeply about... add that to the rigors of Cornell and a host of other random issues... and you�ve got... me... well... me and my cracked out Jerry Springer life...

So. Anyhow... no more drinking for a while. I know when enough is enough... and I know it�s time to stop.

So there.

So... there�s this boy.

Isn�t that how it always begins...?

But... for once... this isn�t about a boi...

It�s about a stupid fucking ignorant heterosexual mother fucker.

He works in Satan�s Kitchen with me.

Can we tell that I�m not a fan?

Anyhow... I would just like to inform all of you heterosexual people out there... and I guess some of you non-heteros out there of a very important thing...

Gay does not equal deaf or stupid.

Right... so... I guess I should explain exactly why I feel that I need to make this seemingly obvious statement to everyone...

Well... so... this guy... let�s call him... "Mike"... not that his name is "Mike," per se... but... it�s just the name we�ll use to make the story easier to understand...

Anywho... last week was my management night for Satan�s Kitchen... and for those of you who don�t remember... the best way for me to describe it... it�s a required class. We run a restaurant. When we�re not serving the food, we�re in the kitchen making it. The �lab� for this class runs from 2:55pm until 11:00pm on Monday nights. Now... one night during the semester, you are required to manage the restaurant. It�s a big deal. You have to plan the menu, the decorations, the plating instructions, the service instructions, all of the financials, the food ordering and... a bunch of other random shit.

So. Last Monday was my night... and it went really really well.

Except... I came close to beating the shit out of Mike a few times.

Now... I know that Mike doesn�t like me. I mean, I never particularly cared for him, either.

So... while I was conducting the briefing for the staff, I noticed that he was looking at me, making comments and snickering to his other jock friends.

Not a big deal... I can deal.

Now... the first offense was when I was giving some instructions to a few people on how I wanted the dining room set up. He was standing behind me.

As I began to walk away... I ears perked up.

"He�s such a stupid fag."

Yes. He actually said that.

Ok. I can deal. He�s just a stupid, ignorant prick. Not a big deal.

Well... it wasn�t a big deal, the first time, anyhow...

Now... I heard the word "fag" used in reference to me on at least five more occasions that evening.

After the third time, I was pissed.

After the fourth time, I was livid.

After the fifth time, I had to keep my fists in my pocket and walk away quickly.

I mean... I don't really think that beating one of my subordinates would bode well for my managerial portion of the grading.

Right.

So... I figured... not a big deal...

Then, tonight, I was sitting down because the instructor was doing a demo for us.

Yes. We have demos.

Ok. So... it�s not really an instructor in a white lab coat mixing explosive chemicals together.

Tonight it was making a really super fattening pasta dish, a Caesar salad and a Chardonnay.

Stop snickering.

Anyhow... as I come into the room, I see four empty seats. Two are at Mike�s table. Two are at the table next to him. As I walk into the room, I ask the guy sitting at not-Mike�s table if he minded if I joined him.

Ok. So... maybe I was sounding a little flamey... but... hey... I�m gay. It happens.

So... he rolls his eyes and stares me down.

He then makes a comment to one of his other jock buddies about the �homo� that just sat down.

I was ready to deck him.

But... I bit my tongue and ignored him.

So... the evening went on...

And tonight, I was the host assistant. I was stationed in the lobby with the host... who also happens to be gay.

So... the evening is going fine... and I�m staying in the lobby, far from the ignorant jock... which was fine... until I had to run to the back of the house to search for wine menus.

One of his jock friends stops me to ask me a question, as Mike is standing next to me.

As soon as I turn around, I hear Mike say... "Damn, bro," (sometimes I don�t think I�ll ever fully understand some of those butch boy phrases...) "How did the fags get the easy jobs this week???"

I turned around and stared at him.

Next to his head, on a shelf, was a big collection of wine bottles.

For a split second, I actually thought about grabbing a giant bottle of cabernet and smashing it on his head.

I refrained.

But really... who says that?

Why are so many straight boys so homophobic? Why is it that you can tell a guy he�s stupid... or make fun of his girlfriend, his family or mother... and it�s ok... but the moment you insinuate he might be a homosexual... he�ll freak the fuck out?

I mean... I understand that there are just ignorant, intolerant people out there. It�s reality... it�s a fact of life... and it sucks.

But all I can do is deal with it and gently reach out to those I come into contact with in order to help curb the fear and hate. I�m not going to be one of those nazi gay bois with a vendetta against the world for oppressing "my people"...

But I�m not stupid. I�m not deaf.

I hear the whispers... I notice when someone says... "That�s so gay."

It�s been a really long time since I really had the ignorance slap me in the face so hard... and it�s kind of upsetting.

But... I shall survive, eh?

So... my advice to "Mike"... you have one of two choices. The preferred choice would be to eliminate the word �fag� from your vocabulary entirely... although I know that your ignorant white trash football concussioned head probably can�t deal with learning something new. So... choice number two... at least wait until I�m really far away before you start throwing the words around.

If not... I will have two options. The first would be to calmly pull you aside to tell you that your words and actions hurt me and that I would prefer it if you could not be so cruel and politically incorrect. However, knowing that vocabulary and communication are not your strongest points... I will only have one other option...

To crash a big, heavy bottle of wine into the side of your skull.

Anyhow, kiddies... just a little fair warning...

If I�m ever in jail for smacking someone in the head with a bottle of cheap cabernet... you�ll know why.

And please... I�m poor. So... please help me post bail.

later, kids...

~robert