Not Such a Dirty Whore, Anymore

I�M OUTTA HERE, KIDDIES!!!

I�m gettin� all set to head out of the dreary scape of Ithaca and down to Florida for a relaxing spring break, filled with friends, puppets, big furry creatures and spandex!

But... of course... there�s a lot of preparation to be able to leave... and that�s where the story, today, begins...

I have been a dirty dirty whore...

in terms of doing my laundry, that is...

Sure... I�ve done a single load here and there... but... I�ve let it get out of control...

By the time I had everything all sorted out... I had three large bags... the bags were big enough to stuff two or three oomp loompas into...

Since the stoopid building here is not so reliable on the washing and drying, I figured it was necessary to take it all to a laundromat...

Now, finding the proper laundromat worthy of my presence was a difficult enough feat in itself... and since I can�t do *anything* alone, I enlisted Rachel to accompany me... had she known the adventure we were going to take, I�m not so sure she would have come... I mean... had *I* known the adventure involved, I�m not sure I would have, either...

We started out at a trashy little place by a lovely (read as: rat infested hole in the wall) little bar, fondly known as �The Creeker�... after being shocked that they charged $1.75 to wash... and $0.25 for 8 minutes of drying time, we decided to move on...

East Hill Plaza was the next stop... the little hole in the wall laundromat in the strip mall was pretty sketchy... not to mention the scary homeless guy (or maybe he was just a grungy Ithacan... you can never really tell, up here...) loitering in the waiting area... so... we decided to move on...

The next stop was in the exciting town of Varna. The laundromat here was empty. Totally empty. Not to mention the fact that it cost $1.75 for a washer that would have trouble washing both a thong and a tube sock at the same time...

So... back to the first place, we went...

So... in order to take all of my laundry back home all folded and such, I brought my two large suitcases... and since they were empty... I decided to put the laundry detergent and our reading material in the enormous backpack dufflebag suitcase thingy, so I could easily tote all of my laundry at the same time...

While it seemed like a good idea at the time... looking back, I should have known it was going to be a disaster...

When I go to take the detergent out of the bag, I realized that I hadn�t closed the cap quite as tightly as I should have...

The bottom of the bag contained a large pool of florescent blue Tide Mountain Spring liquid detergent.

FUCK

And, of course, it soaked the book I had brought for Rachel to read... oops.

So... here I am... in the middle of the gravel parking lot in front of the trailer park trash Ithaca laundromat on my knees, attempting to wipe out the goop...

And... I look up... and in the window, I can see a blond head... the hair was short and spikey... kinda preppy, kinda punk... and I am intrigued... I can�t see a face... so... I�m all...

�Hey... Rachel... can you tell if that blond guy in the window is hot, or not?�

Just as I finish saying that, the head snaps up... and I see a scraggly butch as fuck... lesbian.

Right-o... so... at this point, Rachel and I have driven for an hour to find a suitable establishment in which to do my laundry... I have managed to make my bag and car retain a stench of a soapy polluted mountain spring... and I have been intrigued by the top of a militant lesbian�s head.

*sigh*

Now... I�ve always had problems distinguishing between foreign and gay... but... man and woman...?

I�m losing my touch...

Or my mind.

So... I have to ask... is it wrong to flirt with someone to get special treatment, even though you have no interest in doing anything with them... ever?

I mean... women do it all the time... they use the power of sex and flirtation to get discounts and to cut to the front of the line... and sorority girls do it for liquor and sex... so... why can�t I?

Ok... so... maybe it�s mean... because I�ve been flirting with this girl.

Right.

A girl.

She�s really cute... and really sweet... but... unfortunately, in the words of some of my Florida friends... �she doesn�t have a dick.�

I mean... at least women usually use the power when they know that there might be some chance, certainly in a drunken stupor, they would sleep with the man...

But... she�s not even the right gender. However... maybe... if I were drunk enough...

Anyhow... she�s really nice... and she works at one of the lunchtime restaurants on campus... and at first, I was just smiling and making conversation to be polite... she would always smile and talk to me about random stuff...

Then, last Friday, she made a comment to me about how she saw one of the people that I always come in with... and she was distressed that I didn�t accompany her... and she says... �She missed you... and so did I...�

I just grinned.

So... since that conversation... the girl has been... shall we say... �discounting� my purchases... I�ve never asked her to... she�s just done it... like... last week, someone in my group got the exact same thing as I did...

Her price: $4.87.

My price: $2.36.

So... now, knowing this... I�m always *super* sweet to her...

I know... I�m mean... but... really... she�s so sweet and nice... I could never be mean to her if I tried... well... I take that back... I *could* be... but... that�s highly unlikely...

Ok, girls... now... before I get a backlash on this... which I�m sure I will... I just want you all to think about how many times you�re batted your eyelashes and worn tight shirts when you served people to get better tips... or how many times you�re worn slutty clothes at the bars to get guys to buy you drinks... and how many men you�ve despised and never had any intention of touching that you�ve used in order to get stuff...

If you haven�t ever done *anything* like this... first of all... you�re lying... but second of all... get over it.

And if you know the person to whom I am referring... if you blow my cover... I�ll break your knees. I�m a broke broke bitch... and I need all the help I can get...

All right, kiddies... since I�m going to Florida, I don�t know how much I�m going to be able to update... but... stay tuned... �cause I know that with all of the drama of Florida, I�m going to have a lot to say...

Have a *FABULOUS* week, everyone!

later, kids...

~robert