Putting the �fun� in Dysfunctional

I think my gaydar is broken.

I mean� sure� I�ve been out of Orlando and Disney for almost 2 months, now� and so� sure� I haven�t been surrounded by the hordes of gay men that once were so prevalent� more on my feelings about all of that in a minute...

But... really... I�m losing it.

Normally, I could look at a guy... and be able to tell with about 80% accuracy.

If he opened his mouth... about 90%.

And... after looking in his room... 99%.

But... since my quasi-triumphant return to Ithaca... I�ve been battin� about 34%... ok... so... I totally pulled that number out of my ass... but... it hasn�t been good.

I mean... this one boy... who I was *sure* was gayer than Christmas... well... turns out he has a fianc�e... ok... not that having one of those necessarily means anything... but... he�s straighter than a Jean Claude Van Damm movie...

And there�s this boy who works in Satan�s Kitchen with me... Now... I�ve always had a wicked hard time differentiating between foreign and gay... but... after some inquiries due to my inability to get a reading... I figured out that he *is* gay... and quite possibly flirting... not just... foreign.

There�s another boy on my Satan�s Kitchen night... who is also gay. I had just always thought he walked kinda funny... *shrug* who knew?

And the last straw... today. Now, this boy I�ve known for a while... he�s a friend of a friend... and we�ve had a few opportunities to talk before... he�s tall... he�s really sweet... and he likes boys. I never had *any* idea, whatsoever...

What�s wrong with me? Why is my gaydar broken??? What happened to my average score of, like, 92%???

I think my gaydar needs to be taken in to the shop...

Thank goodness I leave for Florida a week from Thursday for Spring Break...

Hopefully, the doctors will be able to operate... and the �dar� will be saved...

So... right... I don�t know exactly how I got to writing this next part... but... it happened. I was all intending to write about my angst over the apparent deterioration of my gaydar... and this is what came out...

*shrug*

* * * * *

gone are the days of queens screaming at the top of their lungs about trashy outfits�

gone are the parades of flaming homosexuals dancing about the promenade�

gone are the incidents involving the Queen of Hearts demanding I meet her in the tunnels after her set�

gone are the countless boys on the verge of emerging from the closet as they�ve found the support and community they have longed for�

gone are the moments of two men walking hand in hand, completely unafraid of taunts or jeers - oblivious to the world�

gone are the days of assuming a man is gay, until proven otherwise�

*

now are the moments of fear and anguish of whispers and rumors�

now are the moments of uneasiness of being physically too close with another man in the light of day�

now are the moments of straight men not wanting to be too close with a gay man for fear of being made fun of�

now are the moments of painful words uttered, without thought � not out of hate, but rather lack of education�

now are the moments where boys in the closet are terrified of being discovering themselves � who they really are�

now are the days of assuming everyone is straight, until otherwise proven�

So� I�m a bit in shock over my current state� I love the fact that in Orlando� I feel like I can be who I truly am, without fear of persecution and hateful words and actions� do I believe that everyone in Orlando is like that�? That no one in Central Florida murmurs about the sexual orientation of the person next door?

No. I am realistic. I know that no matter where in the world you are, there will always be people around who disapprove of the life I lead� not only in terms of sexual orientation, but also because of the color of my skin, the shape of my eyes and the blood that runs in my veins.

However, in Orlando, much more so than Ithaca, I feel that there is an openness� maybe it�s because of the sheer number of openly gay men� maybe it�s due to the fact that it truly is a melting pot of the world� or� maybe it�s because I�m blind.

Am I really so comfortable with who I am in Orlando� at Disney� that I don�t care what everyone else thinks of me? That�s not true, at all. Do I feel that everyone must love me? No. I know that no matter what I do, what I say or who I am, it will never be enough to please everyone� it won�t make people like me.

Maybe I�ve found enough people down there who I know feel the same way. They are sick and tired of the lives they left behind� the glares, the murmurs, the anguish, the fear, the pain�

Orlando is not an escape. I know that it is not the end-all, be-all of the world. However, I am under the belief that the openness which I have created for myself down there, through assumptions, situations and some unknown special sixth sense, has made it a very healthy place for me...

I full heartedly believe that family is truly a matter of choice. Sure, you are born into the world by way of a mother and father... but this is purely a matter of biology. I�m not saying that just because your parents sperm and egg brought you into the world that the act, followed by the physical development, means that the relationship is severed after the birth... rather... biology does not purely dictate your family.

A family is a system of support... financial, physical, emotional and spiritual... but... when you cease receiving these things from your biological factors, you need to find it on your own...

Family is so much more than a label. Sure... you can put labels on the family members... mother, father, daughter, son... but... what about the ones you can�t...? What about my Aunt Lisa...? She�s not really an aunt... but... is my grandmother�s niece, but exactly what that makes her via the actual terminology is of no consequence. To me, she is what other aunts and uncles are... she�s a friend. She�s there to sympathize with me when I need to bitch about my biological family. She�s fun, and while she�s not around 24/7, I know that she�s only a phone call away. So... in conversation, there�s really no easy way for me to describe her... so... to emphasize a degree of closeness, I use the word �aunt.�

Family is an atmosphere. It�s hard to see in the confines of your own experience, but I�m sure you have friends with great families. You know, when you walk into the house, there�s a feeling... it�s a chemistry. You know that everyone cares about each other... and while there is a degree of hierarchy in the household, you can tell they�re all friends. Take my friend Jessica, for example. I always love going to her house... her family is so open and friendly with everyone they come in contact with. Jessica asks her little brother how his day was... and I can tell that this dialogue isn�t some obligatory action... she really does care.

It�s that feeling and atmosphere that I am in search of. Sure, I have a few different friends with whom I have grown rather close in the recent days... and I appreciate them more than they will over know... but... I have yet to find a place in Ithaca that I can really feel it... lord knows it ain�t the Hotel School...

In Florida, I was lucky enough to stumble into a place where this atmosphere, this family was already formed... and instead of barring my entry, they welcomed me with open arms. Sure, there�s a lot of dysfunction in the family... just like there is in any other... but... with minimal effort and communication, everything has been smoothed over... and as any of my friends can attest, we love to put the fun in dysfunctional...

The bonds that I share with my Disney family have meant the world to me. This time, last year, my world was falling apart... (in different ways than it is, now)... and walking through the door and into open arms was exactly what I needed.

Coming back to Ithaca, I was miserable. I knew that I didn�t have the established setting for me... and I got depressed. I missed the atmosphere of Florida... and... I still do. However, it is now becoming evermore clear that I need this family to survive... and I need it to be here. Granted, I have yet to find a place with truly open arms... but I can create that. I know it�s going to take effort... but... it can be done...

I know that I can recreate it all...

Well... all of it... with the exception of the promenade and the Queen of Hearts thing.

later, kids...

~robert