Mount Me!

Hello. My name is Robert and I�m addicted to...

*gulp*

teenybopper trash movies.

I think it all started with Saved by the Bell. Then, it turned into the ABC Family Movies about anorexic teenagers. I bought magazines like �Tiger Beat� to see pictures of my favorite actors from California Dreams and other NBC Saturday morning teen shows.

The beginning of the end occurred during the summer of 1995. I was in Minneapolis with my father on business. Our hotel was right across the street from the *fabulous* Mall of America (if you�ve never been... you *must* go... this place is *huge*... there�s a seven-acre theme park in the middle of the mall... it�s heaven...). Being 14 years old, I was given a daily allowance to play in the mall. On the fifth floor of the mall, they had 16 movie theaters... and... as such, I watched a lot of movies. Pocahontas came out that summer. There were some other unmemorable movies... but there was one...

Clueless.

Clueless is quite possibly the best example of teenybopper trash... ever. First, there�s the fabulous ensemble cast... Alicia Silverstone, Paul Rudd, Stacey Dash.... and there was actually (albeit a little schizophrenic) plot line... the characters are... just... fabulous... and it�s just fun! Even Roger and Ebert gave it two thumbs up! There are some of the best lines of all time... �As if.� �I totally paused.� �I don�t think so!�... In fact... the last time I cleaned out my desk, I found the ticket stubs from the first few times I saw it in the theaters. No matter what is going wrong in my life, I can sit down, pop the video in... and everything is better.

The day it came out, I was the first in line to buy a ticket. I had been waiting all summer to see it. In fact, I saw the first two showings that day. I got in trouble. I promised my father that I would wait and see it with him the first night... but... that night, at dinner (at this random restaurant on the third floor that had a burger for $25 dollars. If you finished the burger, it was free and they gave you another free one on your next visit. I think it was a pound and a half of beef... and you *had* to lick the plate. Eeeew.), I spilled the fact that I had already seen it. He was mildly hurt, but we saw it again, anyway.

Then, in 1998, there was the release of Can�t Hardly Wait, containing such stellar actors as Ethan Embry, Seth Green and the irresistible Jennifer Love Hewitt. Now, HERE is a classic! You have a brilliant movie featuring zany characters, in totally unreal situations, weak and predictable plot lines and fantastic one-liners (�SHEEP! You... are all... sheep. Baaaaa.�). This movie has it all! Plus, it�s all about graduating high school and the trials and tribulations of finally confronting your long-time crush. It�s classic!

I could go on and on about this... but... there are just so many different movies that I absolutely love... 10 Things I Hate About You, The Skulls, Coyote Ugly, Varsity Blues... And one movie, which isn�t as mainstream, but wonderful, nonetheless... Center Stage. If you haven�t seen Center Stage, yet... and you like teenybopper trash... *run*... don�t walk... to your nearest video store to pick up a copy!

Now, don�t get me wrong... not all teenybopper trash movies are good. Take, basically, ANY Freddie Prinze Jr. movie, for instance. Sure... he is H-O-T... but he couldn�t act his way out of a paper bag. I mean... his acting abilites are about equivilant to those of a one time porn participant... not even a porn *star*... merely a one time "Wham-bam, thank you Sam... here's your $50, thanks for cumming, don't let the door hit you on the way out" *participant*... We're talking... "Um. Hello, ma'am. I am here to give you the... um... pizza. The one you that ordered. From the store, where I am a delivery boy. Of pizza. Oh. No. My pants have fallen... down around... the things... that cover... my feet. Um... shoes. Yes. Down around my shoes." I mean... if you really have this *burning desire* to see to see Freddie, rent the movie on video... and watch it with the sound down. If you�re feeling extra creative... feel free to make up the dialogue. And if you end up watching Down to You, and you get to the scene where he drinks shampoo... I would greatly appreciate anyone who could explain to me what kinds of drugs the writers of that scene were on. Please.

And today... we add another movie to the list of wonderful teenybopper trash to the list... Crossroads. That�s right... I went to see the Britney Spears movie, today. Now, I was a bit skeptical going into it... but... really... it was *great*! I love Taryn Manning... she�s the sassy black girl who was also in Center Stage.) Britney wasn�t that bad, either... unless you count her pathetic attempts at using a southern accent... Parts of the story line were a bit far out... some of it was just stoopid... and some of it was hilarious... although, I think I laughed more at stuff that wasn�t supposed to be funny... i.e. anytime Britney sang...

But I think the breakthrough performance of the movie was by Anson Mount. Ok. So... his acting wasn�t stellar... and he didn�t use an accent... and his character wasn�t really well written... but... oh... my... god... he is FUCKING GORGEOUS.

I think I spent most of the movie drooling. Ok. I could do without the tattoos... but... I�ll keep everything else... I have to admit... there�s this one part where Britney is getting something out of his pocket... and... let�s just say... if I were Catholic... I�d have to do, like, 50 hail marys for all of my impure thoughts at that moment, alone... and that�s not including the ones I�d have to do for the whole �gay thing�...

So... for better or worse... I am in love with teenybopper trash flicks... And I know that the first step in curing a problem... is admitting that you have one... although... as many can attest, I probably have a worse problem with Disney flicks...

I mean... I don�t ditch class to see them. I don�t pre-order them on amazon.com three months before their actual release date... I don�t wait in line on the sidewalk four days before the day tickets go on sale *cough cough Star Wars cough cough*.... I just love them... not for any real artistic quality... but... for entertainment, funny one-liners and quality fun... not to mention eye candy...

So... after a wretched day yesterday... I can say that today was a better day...

After all, I�ll be falling asleep to the thoughts of Anson the Hottie makin' the moves on me, instead of Britney...

Hrmm... Anson. He *must* have a middle name...

Hell... I would call him Shaquanda, Queen of the Upper East Side, if he wanted me to.

Or... maybe I could call him by his last name... Mount.

Yes. Mount. I like the sound of that... �Hey... Mount... look at me... Mount... ME! Over here!�

Tee hee

later, kids...

~robert

PS - Thank you to Lauren who, with her expertise on this subject matter (partly due to the number of movies we've seen together), helped me to recall the worst scene in the worst teenybopper movie of all. :)