Gonorrhea and Beastiality: The Danger of Meeting Strangers

I am turning into my mother.

No, I am not shrinking to become a 5�3� full-blooded asian, ex-bodybuilder, eternally in school, 50-year old woman.

But, in the spirit of the asian blood I have running through half of my body (which half... I�m still not certain), I am anal when it comes to rice.

Uncle Ben�s... Rice-a-roni... not so much. It HAS to be Nishiki Sushi Grade Rice.

Does it really matter, you ask yourself?

Yes! Ask anyone who�s either been to asia or grown up with asian parents... rice makes a huge difference... instant rice is complete crap... and while many americans can�t tell the difference... those of us with the rice sensitive taste buds can totally tell...

So... I know where they sell my rice... Wegman�s... but... because the last week or so has been so damned hectic in my life, I haven�t gotten a chance to get out there... so... in the random course of the last week, I�ve been to three different grocery stores in search of the rice... and I *finally* found it hidden in a random aisle in the Tops by the �mall�... (I put the word mall in quotations... because if you�ve ever been to the Pyramid Mall in Ithaca... you know it�s not actually a mall... rather... some trashy stores in an overgrown stip mall... and if you *are* familiar with Pyramid and you consider it an actual mall... I feel sorry for you...)

But, really... I�m not as bad as I could be... I remember visiting my mother once when she lived in New Jersey... that crazy bitch packed me into the car to drive two hours one-way to a small Chinese store in a random town in New York to buy a 25-pound bag of rice... and I remember then going another thirty-five minutes to a Vietnamese store to buy this random roll of meet in a seaweed wrap...

So... really... I think that my search to three stores isn�t so bad... but... if I ever ask one of y�all to drive to a little Chinese market in the middle of the hills of New York (I�m talking by the city, kids), remind me of a 5�3� ex-bodybuilder... and I�ll get the hint.

Speaking of mothers... why is it that everyone�s parents absolutely love me? ...except for my own...

So... I got a package yesterday... from Kelly�s mom. Now... I love Kel�s parents... they�re just so fun... I�ve only really met them on two of the trips they made to Florida... but... they�re just great! They totally treated me like one of the kids... including yelling at me and making fun of me... it�s *great*! They�re, like, totally in on all of the inside jokes... they�re like any of my other friends... except they have *real* jobs and money!

Anywho... Kelly�s mom sent me a necklace and a check! Dude! I wish *my* parents sent me shit! And the best part... the necklace she sent *rocks*! You know how when your parents get you things without you asking, you normally have to exchange it so that it fits or so it actually is something you would wear... well... Kell�s mom got it right... on the first try... it matches a ton of my outfits... *and* she wrapped it in insane amounts of bubble wrap... �I figure you love popping these bubble sheets to let off steam. Pop away!� Dude! How cool is that?! *and* she sent me a check. I bought her something from Disney that she wanted... and she said...�I know this check is more than what you will need to be reimbursed..., but I thought I could also provide a lunch too. After all, I am the mom!�

Emily Lofthouse�s mom sends me stuff all the time! I mean... I get more packages in one semester than Emily got the entire time she was away at school. I was such an integral part of that household for such a long ass time... that Emily�s mom totally took me in as part of the family. Mrs. Lofthouse cooked for me, cleaned, sewed, did my laundry... and now that I�m at school, she sends me clothes and food and baked goodies! Emily thinks that her mom loves me more than her or any of her other boyfriends... and I�m willing to agree with that...

James� mom thinks I�m wicked mature. She told him that I am �not an idiotic backwoods ingrate, like all of the other guys� he�s ever brought home. I�m taking it as a compliment. I mean... whenever I�ve seen her, it seems like she�s more interested in my day and what is going on with me... than her own children. The last time James came to visit... she sent me baked goods...

Did you ever see the movie North? It�s a 1994 movie starring 10 year-old Elijah Wood and Bruce Willis (don�t hold that against the movie). And it has tons of cameos by Dan Akroyd, Reba Macintyre, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander... it�s just... great! Anywho... the movie is about a 10 year-old boy who is practically perfect... great grades, good musician, actor, singer, dancer, artistic, polite... and feels neglected by his parents... everyone else�s parents in town loves him and wants their children to be just like him.

*blink*

So... North hires a lawyer (Jon Lovitz), goes to court to become a �free agent� and travels the world to interview sets of parents who want him as their own... and he gets to negotiate everything with them, from bedtimes to snack foods to amounts of appreciation. But, in the end, he realizes that no matter how rotten his parents are, he loves them... and he finds out that they really do love him, too...

Maybe someday...

*sigh*

So... there are certain places in which you just shouldn�t cruise for people.

Sure, you can try to pick up people at bars, clubs, gyms, restaurants, libraries, stores, supermarkets... there are just *so* many different places that you can pick someone up.

The waiting room of a doctor�s office or a psychiatrist�s office is *not* one of them.

So... today... I walked into the waiting room of the counseling services and I started talking with the woman at the desk. Ok... now... I *love* the people at the desk at CAPS... they�re super cool... they play decent music in the waiting area and they�re very personable... plus... they know my name. So... I started talking to the girl (I can�t for the life of me remember *her* name... and *she* has a nametag...)... and I told her that I needed to see the woman who writes prescriptions... because... well... �I�m irresponsible... and I lost it.� So... I was all smiles and was joking with the girl behind the desk.

I go to sit down... and this girl smiles at me. I say hi and sit down. She gets up from where she�s sitting and takes a magazine from the table... and she moves to sit down in the chair... right next to me. There are, like, 15 chairs... we are the only two in the waiting room.... and she has to sit... next... to... me.

So... she�s cute. I mean... she was dressed well... with the exception of the fuzzy hat... and she had a cute face. Nothing extraordinary about her... but... she didn�t need a paper bag, or anything...

She starts chatting with me... and... I�ll talk with anyone. And I can tell that she�s trying to flirt with me...

Did I mention that I had a copy of Out Magazine in my lap?

For those of you who don�t know... Out is a magazine for gay men.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight...

So... we�re talking about something random... and I randomly start flipping through the magazine. And she glances down and sees a picture of a guy in a skimpy pair of white briefs... and her eyes get wide... and she says... �What are you looking at???� I flip the magazine shut. Her eyes slowly read the title...

That�s right, sweetie... Boy + Well Groomed + Having Issues + Gay Magazine = GAY

I think she took it well. She kinda turned down the pheromones a bit... and talked for another minute, until I was whisked away to my appointment.

But really... who picks up guys in the waiting room of a shrink�s office?! I mean... �Hey, you�ve got issues. I do, too. I think we would be *perfect* together!� Ok... So... I�m not saying that people who seek professional help are all crazy... I, in fact, feel the opposite. I believe that it�s a healthy avenue in which to help people deal with stress and issues affecting their lives. But... on the other hand... it�s probably not too safe to go shopping for men in the waiting room... I mean... I go because I�m having issues with family and money and adjusting back to Ithaca... but... what if I were, like, a crack addict who had a fetish with, like, squirrels and stuff???

I mean, it�s like picking someone up on the sexual health floor. Sure, maybe they�re totally clean and are there to get the bi-annual check-up... then again, maybe their case of genital warts is flaring up, again?

My point is... you just don�t know. I mean... no matter where you go... you never really know a whole lot about those around you...

But all I know is... the next time someone starts talking to me in the waiting room... I�m going to assume they�re there because they�re dealing with issues regarding a flare up of gonorrhea and the issue of bestiality.

I suggest you all do the same.

later, kids...

~robert